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coffee house thoughts

last modified: 2006-12-25 01:12 PM
tags: front matter

walking down the sidewalk

walking down the sidewalk
staring past you

walking into the coffee house
the smell invades my senses
hippie paintings, malformed distorted figures in bright colors on the walls

anxious, I must talk to you
can I have a mocha
whipped cream on top
deflecting, half smiling, look away
how are you, are you busy?
the usual coffee, the usual questions

finally, I take my seat
relief, my place, my spot

sitting outside at this stone table
watching nothing go by
sweet sharpness of espresso in the mocha rolls over my tongue
the bass of the piped in music can be felt through the noise

round coffee colored drips on the leg of my pants
coffee stained letters on my paper

awning overhead, sun behind me
a bead of sweat sneaks down my back
wind pushing leaves against my feet
perfume dances with cigarette smoke in my nose

people make their way into the coffee house
chatting, saying hi, how's it going
hoping you will stop for a minute
hoping you will care
half eaten blueberry muffin
work pulling calling demanding me back
I crave isolation, dread its return

roaring stinking cars rush down the street like a waterfall
endless ephemeral chatter
once the sound stops there is no trace of its existence
a cloud of steam fading into the air

from LB

Posted by Anonymous User at 2005-10-07 02:33 PM
Aaron, that poem is really good. I hope you're open to a couple of minor suggestions to make it flow better.

First, in the second stanza, where you say "walking into the coffee house/the smell of coffee invades my senses" I would change it to "walking into the coffee house/the smell invades my senses."

Also, in the fourth stanza, I think the fact that you say "relief, my place, my spot" is enough to tell the reader that the seat is your usual one, so you might take the word "usual" out of the line above.

The last suggestion is for at the end. You might say, "roaring stinking cars roll by like a waterfall," instead of, "roaring stinking cars roll by/the roar seems like a waterfall."

I think this is a strong piece. You should submit it somewhere. I'm in a writing group that meets in Fountain Square (at Big Car, usually) every two weeks on either Saturdays or Sundays at 1:00 (our next meeting is on the 23rd). It would be great if you could come join us sometime. We're really casual. We just exchange work and talk about all kinds of things. Sometimes we do writing exercises and go on outings. It's a good group of people.


Thanks for the suggestions Lisa

Posted by Aaron Payne at 2005-10-07 02:34 PM
The line about the cars bothered me. It seemed clunky. I would like to stop by your group as long as they know I'm *not* a professional writer.


You're Welcome

Posted by Anonymous User at 2005-10-11 03:57 PM
I like the changes! It looks like our next writer's group meeting is on the 23rd, but I probably won't be there for that one because I have meditation group that Sunday. But two weeks from that, we should have our Saturday meeting at 1:00.

writer's meeting

Posted by Aaron Payne at 2005-10-11 07:12 PM
I'll probably wait to go to the meeting when you can be there. As it is, I am intimidated enough by the group. I don't want to show up without knowing anyone.